Still Aliveeeee At What Cost?

Welcome to the second layout of Dreaming Arcadia, thanks to Karen of Snow Drops and yeah, I’m still alive and wasting away…just kidding, right? Anyhow, this month has been fraught with a lot of changes and by big changes really meaning that I’m off work for a month awaiting short term disability to pay me and whatnot. And getting it approved throughout the system but in the end, I’m working on improving myself and slowly, reaching back out to myself though I fear I’ll never get back the person I was before mental illness took over in my early to late twenties. Bipolar Disorder is one hell of a mental illness along with BPD aka Borderline Personality Disorder. It robbed me of the potential that my life held for me and with my various procedures with getting my gallbladder taken out, my weight loss surgery and one I was considering because of gynecological issues…which I didn’t have done, because that’s a whole host of other issues like entering menopause and taking fake hormones and whatnot. OH well.

I just decided to focus on my mental health and continue on with my TMS treatment which is nearly over which is glad because I demoted myself from my promotion because 1. It was just so math orientated and I wasn’t prepared for that and I had to account for money that was/can/did go missing and whatnot 2. Missed customers and 3. Kept making mistakes and whatnot and hated how unperfected I was in the role despite being saved all of the time by my co worker. Being that helpless in a new position got to me plus the stress of opening the store nearly all the time and waking up before the sun and even before Starbucks was something else. Plus, it just wasn’t for me. I appreciated and thanked everyone for their services and opportunities but it wasn’t for me. A few times customers made me cry and that’s so unlike me, too, to allow anyone that consent but that’s when I knew why and how I had to get better and focus on myself and besides my depression was creeping up on me relentlessly and that’s the worst part of the Bipolar Type II, is the crushing, soul weighing and gravitating depression that seems neverending and pointless. The TMS treatment is going swimmingly and I’m feeling better but I’ll go back to work as Service Supervisor which was something I shouldn’t have gone away from in the end. This sort of break was my fault, honestly.

If I hadn’t accepted the promotion, I’d be working and whatnot still, so, but choices were made and it seemed fine even with the training and that made life even more difficult with how I should go about it and whatnot. It sucked that I had no where to go to and eventually, that pay raise didn’t do anything for me. I basically made the same. The taxes were somehow more and whatnot. Oh well. In the end, I’m focusing on getting better and just on myself to do the things I love and handle all I can within a quiet space. A space where I can exceed my passions and read and write all I want including this blog! Plus, been loving the new game Clair Obscur Expedition 33, which is a fantastic return to form with turn based combat and a story that is melancholic and nostalgic of the old past. And very French. Did I mention very French? I’ve been playing it like crazy though to be honest, once this month is over with, I don’t know how it will feel like with being at work. I know I will be missed but honestly? I think I miss it too but be quiet about that because when I come back after the 31st, I’ll be a Service Supervisor again because I was just that damn good and taking that Admin Coordinator was a mistake on my part but at least they won’t take that pay raise from me thank goodness or I hope they don’t because? My husband Jose says that they don’t do that at all especially since I demoted myself and asked for my old position back. In the end, I suppose it isn’t too bad though with work being work…I am getting better though slowly and it’s taking its sweet time to remission that depression and anxiety from me so it becomes not a threat anymore. I’m glad that my doctor office allows uber to get me and because of this: I’ve been in different cars with different drivers and even in a Tesla! They are weird cards though the name is stained by Elon Musk and his dismantling of our government or just meddling in it. The TMS treatment is working and I should be done at the end of the month which is fantastic to say the least though Mother’s Day is on Sunday. GULP!

My mother and I….my real mother is a bad person and I don’t mean that objectively, she is yet the good always suffer thus always lose out. She’s always been highly critical of me and I don’t think I truly love her as a person or a mother or individual. How can I love someone that doesn’t love themselves or can love others genuinely without wanting something in return? She’s never been kind thus highlighting a lot of my own trauma and honestly? I found a surrogate mother in my aunt, her sister more times over than my real mother is giving to get. Sometimes we gotta destroy the bridges because of the people on the other side and sometimes it’s for the best. Sometimes we gotta let it all go.

At least, I got short term disability from work, so I won’t go unpaid for the time I’m missing at work, thank god! THANK JESUS!