New layout! The first editor that didn’t work out so I got a second one! How have I been? Alive and just suffering from my endo and other symptoms from my hiatal hernia which happens sometimes from bariatric surgery after awhile. This have been busy and by that, overstimulating and whatnot. So, I’m annoyed and crying a lot because I’m worried about my husband and whatnot. Though, it’s to be expected when he’s suddenly a Type II Diabetic and things have to change for the better. Though I’m not sure if I want to celebrate my life or my birthday this year. I feel so deflated as a person and when I get my surgery in April, in little over a month, then I can recharge but the fact is I might have to get other surgery and so, I’ll schedule that one further out to heal. But it will be due to my hiatal hernia which isn’t so great because it has been giving me problems and I hate it. Thursday, I get my hair cut and I’m shortening it again because I cannot stand the length or height of my hair any longer plus, I think pixie cuts suits me more but whatever. I hate this nonsense. Plus, I gotta figure out how to see my surgeon for that hernia next week because two surgeries in a year is a lot but it’s causing me to leave work and I hate that. I like my job. And my surgeon is only available on certain days and I work those days which sucks badly.
I feel lost, alone and unsure what to do…I didn’t expect to be alive this long and I can’t just kill myself now, can I? It complicates things and I cannot enjoy life but that’s the problem, life has always been traumatic for me since the early years and I cannot stand it anymore. I’m frustrated. My faith is gone. My faith in God or anything is just…life is suffering and I’m worried about getting a new car or a nice used one because of things. It’s not like I have anyone to ask for money because of my cunt of a womb mother rather be a miser and be miserable and hate me because she can’t get over old grudges from 30 years past because I talk to her sister, my aunt. It’s frustrating. I just want to die. I want to not exist at times because I should be making more at what I deal with at work and customers. Been threatened more than once. Been sexually harassed and had someone fired over a few years ago but I carry that trauma of men in general. Once you are hurt you cannot get back from that.
That’s why I’m not appealing myself any longer. I’m going to be the weirdest and most unhinged person ever but I can’t stop being kind. I can’t stop that because that’s a flaw a critical one inside me. It’s my punishment for being born or even thought of. I want and deserve more than the world has to offer. I deserve it all but evil truly wins. I’m not in a good headspace. Been crying over my husband because I feel responsible at the same time, he doesn’t deserve this. I don’t think anyone truly deserves illnesses. Anyway, I’m trying my hardest to get over my sadness or depression about everything but it doesn’t feel good.
Then yesterday, we celebrated 13th years of marriage! WOOT! To have survived that long and to have had stayed in love…that’s amazing!
