Well, I got the most disappointing news so far at work—I shouldn’t have been surprised but I was and even though I was considered highly, the position of SOA or Assistant Department Head of the Front End went to our bookkeeper Isabelle. I shouldn’t be too surprised and when I say that, she has more experience than me but—doesn’t have the availability of myself so they’re doing a trial run as her being SOA, which could still go to me but that depends. Apparently, only the two of us applied which shocked me because I honestly thought my fellow supervisor colleague wanted that position too. I guess not. I guess I was wrong to assume so with him; either way, it’s frustrating that I lost it.
It’s easy to be so discouraged and feel like I should give up trying to move up for better pay and better benefits; though I was told that I was doing good so far and showed so much growth but ultimately, I just wasn’t good enough. It often felt like that and does with a lot of things, but I wasn’t outwardly told no–just that I lack assertiveness but apparently, again, I’ve grown into this. I’m just kind of upset that I lost it though to be fair, I can’t keep dwelling on it. Though other things have been worrying me like everyone noticing the extreme weight loss I’m still going under; despite not being skinny with a flat tummy, I am in the healthy range for the BMI, however bullshit that is but that’s all doctors see and while, the goal was simply to live pain free, it happened. No pain from my back or my leg from either the sciatica and degenerated disc disease in my spine—which I am grateful but it comes at costs to my eating habits or lack thereof.
I’m seeing a licensed clinical social worker and he’s been great, and while I understand concepts, it’s difficult for me to fully address them with other people especially about others making comments about my weight and how I was dressed or dressed myself in general from work, to other places and it came from family and co workers alike. I’m reeling from the fact that I’m considered “special” or “wonderful” for all the hardwork I’ve put in when I simply altered my lifestyle and took Wegovy. The lifestyle being bariatric surgery which has my stomach the size of a banana. Though an even greater worry is the bleeding I’m doing that I can’t account for afterwards from my gallbladder surgery back in November. That’s why I’m going back and if it’s my period, and nothing more than I’m glad because putting an IUD without any anesthesia was not only agonizing but I felt like I was giving birth and that’s something that I don’t want or can’t really do to my small frame, smaller frame. Do I have pretty privilege? I don’t know. I don’t exactly look pretty with my haircut and hot pink hair, but I understand that it’s my jovial personality that gets people–at work and in life in general; though admitting that I’m more a pragmatist but does it matter either way?
I do it to knock off the male gaze of my imperfect body–depression and body self esteem are the worst enemies of young girls and anyone really. It’s damaging when that’s all people see of you, a size. A size on a scale. A number. I guess that’s just how people saw me.
Then I’m worrying about my 12th wedding anniversary and the fact that nothing is coming—-or at least delayed. Jesus. It’s frustrating when your proxy doesn’t update you with anything and you’re left waiting for anything; any sign really. I guess it’s to say I don’t know what to get my husband, but it shouldn’t be me sweating it but he’s always been a hard person to shop for. A hard person to please, but to be fair, he’d probably love anything I got him from the heart so I’ll focus on that. I’ll figure out something. Then I’m dealing with week 2 with temporary crowns—7 of them and it’s frustrating to deal with them…I guess life is just not panning out the way I hoped and honestly, I’m bummed about a lot of things plus I had to uninstall and reinstall WordPress for the zillionth time due to an error so I lost EVERYTHING, a second time. The universe is truly testing me and I’m gonna sock it real good.
This is just me.