Apparently my mother is still alive and was asking my brother about me—-BUT the thing is, she carries around her own generational trauma and projects it onto me thus creating that cycle that I aimed to not be a part of—thus, I am estranged from her, pretending instead that I just came into being one day, fully grown like Athena of Greek Mythology. I can’t remember much of my childhood save for the abuse that I suffered at the hands of my mother and whatever abuse later down the road from others. I don’t love someone that incapable of being able to show or display love as she carries around narcissistic behavior. I cannot call her one because it means she would have to be tested and my mother doesn’t believe in doctors much or any truly.
Life is rough knowing that they caught a hiatal hernia and that it is starting to show symptoms and I’ll have to undergo tests and whatnot. I think that’s not the worst of it–it’s treated with surgery and can happen after bariatric surgery in my case, a gastric sleeve and because of the ulcer last year, I know that it isn’t coincidence at all. I say this because none of this is related to my mother but it ties into everything about my life–it’s not simple nor fair in my case yet I still grew up flawed and believing that I’m a terrible person because of someone’s actions or that maybe there’s a god, and he’s laughing at me? I don’t think there’s much of a one or he just allows us to do as we want with free will. We need that revoked ASAP.
Either way, it’s not fair from the abuse and SA harassment at my job, nor my situation after it and how I was danger–I could have been in a position to sue but either way, and my male manager failed to realize it. I tried to get help but it’s not fair from the generational trauma that my mother tried to instill in me about my father and honestly, about my aunt, my mom’s sister too. I know my grand parents especially my grandmother pitted my aunt and mother against each other–favoritism and this is why I don’t nor ever understood why she did that. I’m upset that my nana as she’s called had own trauma and used it on my mother. My aunt, and I are scarred by it. I’m petty and bitter that my mother is still living, even at all because I don’t think any real closure can come from any relationship unless she’s dead. I think it will be relief. I don’t necessarily want to be the better person in this situation because she wouldn’t for me and I’m not Jesus, so don’t expect forgiveness on any cosmic scale because my feelings do come into play and I will get trauma that affects my day to day life.
I’m bitter for having to take medication that’s 1000s of dollars and have my husband work harder for me, worry harder for me because I get depressed enough to wanna kill or injury myself if any thing happens because of the trauma that my mother gave me. She at didn’t have my interest at heart or my life for that matter. Either way, it’s why I’m in a dead end job for the rest of my life, when I could have done more but my trauma and certainly my extreme mental illnesses keep me back. And my lack of comprehension about complex subjects like math and the many sciences. It’s why I got my tubes taken out when I got checked for endo. It’s why I refused to be part of this generational curse by having kids.
People don’t often stop to think about having kids and this goes to my cousin, too and how about that they matter more than after birth—they are not property of parents, they are their own individuals—and thus should have respect and autonomy and better control over them. I work in a grocery store so kids misbehaving like they did today and always always makes me glad that kids aren’t in my future. That I knew I couldn’t provide for them because I’d end up giving them into the vicious monster of my own generational trauma that I couldn’t resolve with my own mother. I just refused by not having kids and that they matter much after their born and if you cannot be there for them or support them, then stop having them. They are a full time commitment; either way, it brings me full circle back to my own trauma and just not having kids and ripping that option from me with my consent. Either way, I’m glad that I have a strong support system despite my fuck ups and despite me self sabotaging all the damn time. Either way, it’s frustrating that I am fragmented the way I am because of someone’s actions and that I just refuse to pick myself up again when it wasn’t my fault to start with. Children should not be burdened with adult expectations nor responsibilities.
I pray bad things befall my mother. I’m petty and while my brother said I cherish my mother–I don’t, nor would I ever truly love her, because she gave birth to me. I told him, I can’t. If you can’t be petty, I’ll do it for you. I’ll carry it. Because to me, to end this blog entry, it’s easy to be lied to and abused at every term, but I’m not obligated to forgive anyone even my own mother.
New layout upcoming.
Dad’s birthday was great!
If you reached the end, thank you.
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