Updates NOW!? What GIVES!?

I’ve been neglecting this blog because I believed that a new layout would be here already but, it’s almost done and it’s great by the way and made by the lovely affiliate Karen, which is fantastic. How has life been? Work been? Hard to say because I’ve started TMS aka Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation. Google it. It’s great and it has helped me a whole lot in the past, so I decided to try it again within my doctor’s office. And I met my deductible for the year since I’m in the US and health insurance is tied to your employer. Stupid, honestly. Plus my strength for blogging has been diminished because of said depression, really as it has been overwhelmingly awful on me and any past activities I’ve done and had fun with. Yet, I’m not well in a lot of ways.

{insert why the US doesn’t have single healthcare system}

Me with the giant magnet on my head
Luckily, never mind the fact that it’s noninvasive and my doctor office orders an uber for me to go, almost everyday, but it’s only 20 minutes each, and it’s in darkness because I rather like the dark with the giant magnetic on my head. I bet it costs a fortune. Unfortunately, everything is coming to a head with work and me being overwhelmed with different working styles or rather teaching styles and honestly, I’m exhausted by it plus my period being cruel as it can be to me. I’m done with them as I’ve decided I wanted to get a hysterectomy. Or even a partial one but I know the risks but I’ll know next week for sure after I get my ultrasound done but everything isn’t working out and it’s driving me bananas. It’s like the whole world is colliding and I can’t stop the impact from being worse than it actually is. I’m tempted to take time off work again for my mental health or at the very least with my physical health. I’m done being a prisoner of my own moods, and my body. Tired of allowing things to crack and drag my down so much, but with someone with BPD, it’s hard to understand or see if my emotions and reactions are even allowed or worse, normal in the terms of neurotypicals all around me. At least with the new year, I wanted something better but god or whoever is testing me a lot these days with the new promotion and worse, my deteriorating mental health these days. As a BPD sufferer, I’m constantly stigmatized to the point about my feelings and if they are too “manipulative” or worse, but what is worse than that? 6 sessions into TMS, and I’m trying to be positive, even going back to therapy after my clinical social worker went on vacation, but even they too need to relax and destress. People are fragile. Life is fragile as it is. At least I could celebrate my husband’s 41st birthday!

Funny story about his name, really being a junior and having the same name as his father, he was always called Little Jose in Spanish so it got shorten to chito. That’s his nickname, but I’ll never be tia Michelle to his nieces and nephews and it’s something that I have to deal with however how much it hurts. How much being a pariah has cost me because I’m not the girl that my husband should have married but did for nearly 18 years, together, married for 12. I guess at the end, this is the life I have to endure. We went to Ciderarcade with my husband and my mutual friend from high school, who has the same birthday and that somehow bonded together because of me. They care deeply for me. Family is family after all. At the end, we had a great time and the pictures only prove that by a large margin.

I should have stayed blonde but I am pink again, but alas, it is what it is, and honestly? It’s fine. I’m sad that work and everything isn’t going well but I’m attempting to be better attempting to smile, because it makes sense for me and tomorrow, I’m working one last day before two days off. Thank God! I couldn’t breathe otherwise.