How was recovery? How well did the surgery help? It helped confirm Endometriosis but that’s all because while they took out some samples, they didn’t take it out fully and instead took pictures of the insides of me and my pelvis where it was currently at. I thought or had thought they were going to do more but it explains all my symptoms including the ulcer no doubt since that shit is linked. But since it came back worse than ever, I’m having to see a specialist and probably be put on heavy medications which worry me greatly because of their side effects and whatnot. It leaves you with chronic pain since again, Endometriosis is the uterus lining grows anywhere. A full or even partial hysterectomy wasn’t considered because of my age and the effects of it on my other organs plus menopause happening soon after. And I’d have to take hormone shots and whatnot plus the damage it would do to my brain and whatnot; so that was a no go. Plus I’m getting into Pelvic therapy because of where the Endometriosis was at and how it’s affected that area badly.
Not gonna lie, it’s hard to work with chronic pain all the time and the fact that I’ve noticed that customers are ruder and whatnot, doesn’t help. In fact, I’ve been yelled at, threatened at work so many times and I don’t get paid enough and the reason why I haven’t left is because it’s a flexible job and it’s easy. It just doesn’t pay enough thus highlighting the fact of my lack of money–and the inability for me to save money when I only make 16.50 an hour and make only 550 after taxes and somehow have to contribute to the household and give myself food which is usually a 100 dollars a week, and I’m being blamed for us not being able to save money. I have a very low paying job, which I keep telling my husband at the bank, Bank of America where he works in this weird limbo of IT support not really having a title, just working there like that internally for the bank. He does a damn good job and we have great health insurance through it which I continually will need for the rest of my life because of the Endometriosis and my mental illnesses. I just hate how he harps on me with no education who can’t drive, because of anxiety and because we were in a real accident which made the local news and nearly killed us– but sure blame the exploited worker for inflation and the current administration for their lack of skill and knowledge on how to run a efficient and effective government. And the fact that wages have not gone up for some time. I guess that’s really it. I’m tired of being blamed when we need a new car and have to scrouge up money to get it from god knows where, though I wanna ask for help because we cannot do payments nor can his parents help. They are poorer than us despite owning a house. And the other fact that he has to get a new teeth like veneers because he never took the time to take care of his teeth. Dental insurance is a luxury for sure. I’m doing my best and he doesn’t appreciate it. Or doesn’t seem like he does, even if he does try to, it’s not enough.
Then the whole Christmas eve service was good because finding out that my mental illness and trauma blocks out my whole wishing I wasn’t a burden plus I still don’t understand unconditional love from either god or people. It feels undeserving (thanks to my mother abusing me a lot while growing up and leaving at 18), and while it can be prayed upon, conditioning in my mind makes it hard for me to believe I’m not a mistake or worth it. I still think that I’m better off dead which is fine but I don’t care about dying by my hand, because if it happens, it happens. In the end, religious questions are awkward and weird.
Plus, I realize that I do a lot for people that don’t do a lot for me in return which is frustrating. I think in the end, I’m not doing more for others next year or this upcoming 2026. It’s just too much when I’m putting in all the efforts and not getting anything in return, really. Yall, I’m not Jesus or God, don’t expect me to be kind nor forgiving when the rapture happens.
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