Rainbow On My Laptop

Things certainly could be better, I’d say, because one of my doctors suggest opening me up via the stomach and figuring out why I’m having pain-and finding evidence of endometriosis. I’m not too worried about cost but rather timing and how I’ll be out for a week or two. Of work again to figure out the pain, of my periods. Sometimes being a woman or someone with a uterus and functioning female parts, and the way it can be damaging to have them.

The new year is fast approaching and I didn’t know that my husband’s aunt, was in dire health because of her kidneys back in Las Vegas, and so we’ve been holding our breaths about any news; and she pulled through for the most part but the worst isn’t over- and neither is mine, with my various amount of health issues related to being alive. It’s exhausting. Of course, it’s gonna be done laparoscopic so more small cuts into my stomach. Hopefully, it makes sense in terms of an answer being found for me, which I would like. I hope I get something for the pain and time I’m missing out on work. Unfortunately or maybe fortunately, I’m seeing the new Chainsawman movie Reze Arc on Friday! With my husband. So, that should be fun and I have Halloween off, too! That’s great as well! But of that course comes my greatest problem– My SOM aka the new Department Head of the Front End– I don’t think she likes me and thinks I’m “too aggressive” after only talking to me two times in total for less than a few minutes each and I think the worst aspect is that I’ve been bullied before but my the assistant store director/manager of the store at my old store location. And sexually assaulted too–to the point I had to move locations from my old store which was less than 5 minutes away to now over 10 minutes away, because of the harassment of the other employee, who got fired for inappropriately touching me at work, in front of cameras.

Plus, she already bumped heads with the assistant grocery managers– and I’m not friends or anything personal with the people at my work save a few that actually value me, and not use me like a few that did in my work bracket. No one talks about the effect of how mental illness and how severe it has to be to ruin your future or any dreams. Retail isn’t for me forever. I plan on when it’s possible, when the government calms down, and Trump is either dead or out of office and I reach 40, I plan on going on disability. I feel like an abject failure and realize I cannot forgive someone that cannot take full accountability for  my mother’s actions—I have nothing to forgive myself for, I did nothing wrong. She did everything wrong-either way, retail is taking its toll on me and I’m getting too tired to deal with it anymore. By 40, I’ll have enough credits to apply for SSDI and I’ll either stop working altogether and/or work part time. Demote myself. Either way, I cannot do this anymore. Customers are ruder, staff is just unreliable plus, I already suffered enough. Mental illness ruined all my chances as to my dreams and any future I could have had. Plus, learning that our car’s transmission is dying, we have to find a way to get a replacement vehicle in just three years of having this car. I don’t know what to do anymore. Plus paying off my dental loans until 2027– I’m lucky I don’t eat much due to bariatric surgery and Wegovy because don’t have to spend money on groceries much. I plan on it. TMS isn’t working anymore and I cannot afford to go to my therapy because of work. Either way, I’ll fine. Things will work out but I have plans.